I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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