Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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