You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
