I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
