after a month anything with tits is on the radar
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Sorry about my life...
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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