apparently the secret to your success is patron
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
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