I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Randomize
