my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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