I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
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