my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
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