I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
can u get pink eye on your cock?
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
