I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
