I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
Randomize
