So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
I think im going to throw up on grandma
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Randomize
