I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Randomize
