.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize