I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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