mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I enjoy the company of your penis
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Randomize
