So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
did you just send me my own nude
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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