Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
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