Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Randomize