we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
I puked a lego.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Randomize
