he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Randomize
