even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
