I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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