Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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