So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Randomize
