im holly from the hills drunk
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
