I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Randomize
