i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
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