last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize