It's what's on the inside that counts(972): They probably have big open vaginas so the inside is no good
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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