Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
