I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
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