the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
