My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize
