Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
We talked him into tasing himself.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
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