i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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