I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
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