My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
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