Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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