Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
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