I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
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