I wish my penis had an off switch
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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