My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Randomize
