Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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