I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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