you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
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