my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
