My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
