Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
