We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Randomize
