I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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