So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
if i died would you start the facebook group?
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Randomize
