I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Randomize
